6.02 - Fight Face

Dialoghi trascritti da TWIZ TV.COM

LUKE'S DINER
[Luke and Lorelai emerge from the upstairs apartment into the diner.]

LUKE: And they have those flashlight thingies.

LORELAI: Yeah. That's the right name for those. Flashlight thingies.

LUKE: And Jedi powers of mind control, they can move things, so they're telekinetic, and they hover their jet saucers over molten lava, and they jump and fly around like they're in Cirque du Soleil.

LORELAI: Oh. Coffee, please.

LUKE: But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage? They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "You can't win. I've got the high ground." [He gestures that he doesn’t' understand.]

LORELAI: Dude, if he said it, that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.

LUKE: He's four feet up a little slope! And that wipes out all the other guy's powers? The fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use the little flashlight thingy?

LORELAI: You have got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy.

LUKE: This has been bugging me.

LORELAI: For months! We saw that movie months ago! You've got to let it go!

LUKE: I can't!

LORELAI: George Lucas owns San Francisco now. That's a city. You can't argue with a man who owns a city.

LUKE: All the other guy has to do is scurry on to land and run up the hill a bit, and then he has the high ground. I mean, they can fly jet pods, but they can't scurry?

LORELAI: Go on a website or something, okay? 'Cause there are thousands - no, millions of your kind out there debating all the minutiae of not just this Star Wars movie, but every Star Wars movie.

LUKE: You drag me to see these movies.

LORELAI: No, you wanted to see that movie.

LUKE: So I can't critique it because I wanted to see it?

LORELAI: That's how it works.

LUKE: What about Bewitched?

LORELAI [breathes in sharply]: Okay, I'm sorry. They screwed up Bewitched! Nicole Kidman, good choice, but that concept?

LUKE: You should go on a website.

LORELAI: But Bewitched is iconic! Dr. Bombay. Larry Tate. There was no Larry Tate!

LUKE: Hey, let it go. We saw this months ago.

LORELAI: This is different. You can't have Bewitched without Larry Tate.

LUKE: There's your coffee.

LORELAI [sighs]: So should we stop going to movies?

LUKE: We should stop caring.

LORELAI: Okay. Bye, doll.

LUKE: Bye.

[They kiss over the counter. Lorelai smile at him as she leaves. Luke walks over to a table to wipe it. TJ is in the corner installing shelves.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai opens the door for Luke. He enters.]

LUKE: Hey, you ready to go?

LORELAI: Come in, come in! I want to show you something!

LUKE: Okay.

LORELAI [giggles excitedly]: Or, more accurately, I want to show you someone. [They enter the living room.] Ta-da! Oh. Where'd he go?

LUKE: Where'd who go? What's all this crap?

LORELAI: Oh. Yoo-hoo! Come on, dude! We had it all rehearsed and everything! [She spots what she is looking for.] Ah! Ha, ha. Yeah. [She bends down behind the chair in the corner and pops up with the shaggy dog.] Ta-da!

LUKE: It's a dog!

LORELAI: Yeah, very good! [To the dog] He's smart, too! Not as smart as you. [She sets the dog down on the coffee table.]

LUKE: What are you doing with a dog?

LORELAI: I bought him. Doesn't he look happy?

LUKE: Yeah, I guess. You bought a dog!

LORELAI: Yeah, and he loves me. And he doesn't give his love easily. The only drawback's the name. Coco. It's too cutesy. But he's a rescue, so I don't want to freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I'm going to get to the name I want to give him in baby steps. For the first week I'll call him Coco, to get him acclimated -
LUKE: Acclimated.

LORELAI: Second week I'm going to call him Cokie, third week Kooky, fourth week Tooky.

LUKE: So you're going to name him Tooky.

LORELAI: No, I'm going to name him Paul Anka, but it's going to take a while to get to Paul Anka.

LUKE: Yeah. I'd say so.

LORELAI: And you know, this little guy has already taught me something I didn't know. Just because they make it for a dog, doesn't mean a dog is going to like it! Toys, including squeakies, and the, uh, wazzup variety - [she squeezes a monkey that says "Wazzup"] - no interest. Rawhide bones, no interest. Popcorn - scared of it.

LUKE: Scared of popcorn?

LORELAI: Yeah, and also of tissue holders, paperbacks, CD's, framed pictures and lint. Oh, and when I drink something, he gets freaked out, like I'm going to die and I have to pick him up and rock him like a baby until he calms down. It's been quite a first day for us.

LUKE: Look, should I ask the question that immediately came to mind when I first saw the thing, or should I just shut up?

LORELAI: No. Shoot.

LUKE: Is it okay for you -
LORELAI [defensive]: That hamster was defective. Period. Plus they only live, like, three years. I looked it up. And, and he would have been dead by now anyway. So, world, stop with the hamster already!

LUKE: But the turtle -
LORELAI: The same thing with the turtle!

LUKE: Yeah, but they live to be ninety!

LORELAI: I will take care of this dog. I promise. Now, would you like a beer?

LUKE: Sure.

LORELAI: 'Kay. Just distract him while I'm drinking, and don't let him see the [whispers] bottle opener.

[They go into the kitchen. Lorelai gets two beers out of the fridge.]

LUKE: How much did you spend on all this?

LORELAI: Tons.

LUKE: For a stupid dog.

LORELAI: You're acting like you don't like dogs.

LUKE: I don't like dogs.

[Paul Anka comes into the room.]

LORELAI: Sh! He heard you!

LUKE: Oh, he speaks English?

LORELAI: Since when do you not like dogs?

LUKE: Since all the times I made that really, really clear, which is every time I have ever been around a dog.

LORELAI: What is there not to like about dogs?

LUKE [sitting at the table]: They're dirty. They're a pain to train. They're a pain to wash. They bark when they shouldn't. They jump on you when you don't want them to. They chew things. They shed. They lick themselves. They make your car smell. They make your house smell. And they make you smell.

LORELAI [sitting, sighs]: You know, I think it's very sad that you've lost the little boy in you.

LUKE: The little boy didn't like dogs either.

LORELAI: Oh, you know? I just realized what this is! This is our thing.

LUKE: What thing?

LORELAI: This tradition of ours. You claim to hate everything at first, but it's just your initial stance in a negotiation. And then we talk and our opinions merge and we find a happy middle.

LUKE: No. A lot of times it's just how I feel and my mind doesn't change.

[Paul Anka starts to eat.]

LORELAI [whispering excitedly]: Oh, he's eating! Let's go! [They get up slowly.] But don't make any sudden movements, and don't drink, and don't look at him! He's very self-conscious about his eating. I'm the same way! That's how I know this is going to work! Go, go, go.

[She pushes him out the back door. They stand and watch him through the window.]

LUKE: You do realize your dog has just driven us out of the house.

LORELAI: Don't worry. He's a quick eater. Come on.

[They walk around the porch to the bench in the front.]

LORELAI: Sh.

LUKE: This is silly.

LORELAI: What? We can hang out out here. It's a nice night. [They sit.] Okay. Now fill me in. How was your day?

LUKE: Well, I talked to some contractors about the Twickham house.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah?

LUKE: As soon as we make the offer they'll let us in, we can start planning stuff, remodeling, whatever.

LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: And as soon as we're out of escrow we can start work.

LORELAI: Cool. Excellent.

LUKE: I was thinking we could even pull the crew over here, do some touchups before selling.

LORELAI: Wait. Touchups? Where? Here?

LUKE: Yeah. It hasn't been painted in a while. Fixing it up will help it sell.

LORELAI: Right. You know what I've been thinking?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Maybe we should hang on to this house.

LUKE: To rent?

LORELAI: No. Not to rent. To use in some other way.

LUKE: What other way?

LORELAI: Uh, I don't know. It could be like a paint studio.

LUKE: We don't paint.

LORELAI: Well, maybe we'll start. Maybe it's the lack of a studio that's kept us from realizing our love of watercolors.

LUKE: I don't have a love of watercolors.

LORELAI: Or I could use it as my recording studio. That would be cool, huh? And when I'm not laying down tracks I could rent it out to Korn or Iggy Pop or someone. Right? You and me, just hanging with Iggy Pop, rockin' out. Telling stories - Ig's got stories.

LUKE: Uh-huh.

LORELAI: Or we could use it as a safe house in case we decide to take up a life of crime.

LUKE: I doubt we're going to do that.

LORELAI: Well, we could be wrongly accused of a crime we did not commit. And then we'd have to hide out until society realized the mistake. And then, we'd be like, "Hey. No hard feelings, it happens. This is a great country, and thank God we had the safe house."
LUKE: If you want, we can just hang on to it, rent it out.

LORELAI [wrinkles her nose]: I don't want anyone else living in it.

LUKE: They can't live in it, but they can record songs in it.

LORELAI: I just think we could use this place. Think about it, okay?

LUKE: Yeah, sure, we'll think about it.

LORELAI: Okay. [She peeks in the window. She gushes.] Oh, look, he's done! And he's in there fast asleep!

LUKE: Great. Let's go back in.

LORELAI: Okay. Just be careful, because he gets scared when you wake him up.

LUKE: Of course.

LORELAI: Mmkay. Oh, and, uh, try not to say any words that begin with the letter 'Q'.

[She shrugs as they go inside.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Lorelai's Jeep pulls up in the driveway. She gets out, followed by Paul Anka, leaving the door open.]

LORELAI: Come on, boy, jump out. Good boy! Not afraid of jumping. That's something.

[She walks toward her house. She looks up and sees a man standing on her roof.]

LORELAI: Uh... excuse me.

GEORGE: Hello.

LORELAI: Hello! I'm Lorelai, the owner of the house you're standing on.

GEORGE: I'm George.

LORELAI: Hi, George. I'm just trying to think of how to ask this in a polite way. Um, are you committing some sort of crime?

GEORGE: No.

LORELAI: But if you were, would you tell me?

[Another man walks out of her front door.]

LORELAI: Hello.

SAUL: Howdy.

LORELAI [to herself]: Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

LUKE [also on the roof]: Hey!

LORELAI: Luke!

LUKE: This is George.

LORELAI: Oh, we've met.

SAUL [on the porch]: And I'm Saul.

LORELAI: Hi, Saul.

LUKE [to George]: You get what you need?

GEORGE: Just about. [Calls down] Saul, you get what you need?

SAUL: Just about!

LORELAI: Well! I was this close to screaming and siccing the dog on you. [She turns around. Paul Anka is back in the Jeep.] How did you get the door closed?

LUKE: We're just about done.

LORELAI: Done with what?

LUKE: Sizing the situation.

LORELAI: What situation?

LUKE: About how many silent joists we need to carry up.

LORELAI: What's a joist?

LUKE: The things that support the load.

LORELAI: What load?

LUKE: The load from the extension.

LORELAI: Okay, this has officially become the worst first draft of "Who's on First" in history.

LUKE: It's about enlarging the bedroom. To live here.

LORELAI: Here? You want to live here?

LUKE: Sure. I don't have a lot of stuff. We just need a little more closet space, a bigger bathroom, a bigger bedroom.

LORELAI: I've always wanted a bigger bedroom!

LUKE: Well, it looks like we can do it!

LORELAI: Well, what about the Twickham house?

LUKE: Too damn big. We can get along fine here for a while. Maybe forever. It's a great house. You love this house.

LORELAI [beaming]: I do love this house!

LUKE: I know. I figured that out from your sudden interest in laying down tracks and becoming a painter.

LORELAI: Come down here so I can kiss you! All of you.

LUKE: We'll just be a minute.

[Lorelai walks back to the Jeep to let Paul Anka out.]

LORELAI: You locked the door? Dude, come on. I mean, I've got the key, but I'm really curious how you did this.

[She unlocks the door.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM
[Lorelai pushes the door open backwards and drops a heavy laundry basket onto the bed. She hears a bird crow rather loudly. She looks up, speechless, at the huge hole in the front wall of her house.]

LUKE'S DINER
[Luke takes a woman's order. We can see Lorelai walking toward the diner through the door.]

LUKE: So that's an omelette, side of bacon.

WOMAN: What kind of cheese do you have?

LUKE: I've got your basics, Swiss, cheddar, jack - hey.

[Lorelai wordlessly takes him by the arm and pulls him out of the diner.]

LUKE: What? What? Hey! Lorelai, what are you doing?

LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD

[Lorelai pulls him along.]

LUKE: Lorelai, this is weird, okay? I mean, come on. What's wrong? Lorelai, say something.

[Lorelai stops in front of the house and points up at it.]

LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: How -
LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: And -
LORELAI: Hole!

LUKE: I know it's a hole! How did it happen?

LORELAI: Dirt!

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Dirt - bed - dirt - hole!

LUKE: Okay, speak in sentences! Come on! You found this when you got home?

LORELAI: Yes, a big hole!

LUKE: It was sledge hammered.

LORELAI: With a very big sledgehammer!

LUKE: God, who would - oh my God.

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: Him.

LORELAI: Who?

LUKE: Him.

LORELAI: What him?

LUKE: Kill!

LORELAI: Kill who?

LUKE: TJ!

LORELAI: TJ did this?

LUKE [yelling]: Who else?

LORELAI: What do you mean, who else? Why would TJ come over to my house and sledgehammer my bedroom?

LUKE: Damn it, Liz!

LORELAI: What'd Liz do?

LUKE: Oh, she worked me over! She begged me to hire TJ as the contractor on the remodel.

LORELAI: TJ's a contractor?

LUKE: No, and I said no! But she made me promise to think about it, and then she sat in the diner, staring at me, and then she started to cry, so I kicked her out! And then she went outside and cried, so I could see her through the window, and I couldn't take it anymore! So I said "Okay!" knowing we had weeks to figure out how to get out of it and no work could be done 'cause George hadn't made up the plans! And in the meantime, TJ could have changed occupations, or injured himself bouncing up and down on his trampoline, and backed out of the job!

LORELAI: But how could you risk saying "okay" to anything with TJ?

LUKE: Did I mention the crying? Liz is a walking tear duct. Oh, TJ's good. You never see what's coming, like a big dumb tsunami. He's that good!

LORELAI: So what do we do?

LUKE: I'm going to talk to TJ. But I'm going to be smart about it, I'm not going to spook him. I'm going to be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame. Invite him along and we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're going to eat, and then I'm going to get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park I'm going to put a rope around his neck and pull it 'till he's - [He makes a strangled sound; Lorelai cringes] - dead!

LORELAI: Wait, wait. You're in the back seat?

LUKE: Yeah, it's best for garroting. Yes.

LORELAI: No, he's totally going to smell something fishy if you hop in the back seat, especially if you're driving.

LUKE: No, he's not that bright. It'll work!

LORELAI: Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street, save you the money!

LUKE: I could still go to the game the other way! I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.

LORELAI: Yeah. You're in no state to deal with TJ right now.

LUKE: Maybe not.

LORELAI: And we need to do something about the fact that my bedroom is on display for all to see.

LUKE: I know.

LORELAI: So, let's figure out what we need to deal with the hole. First things first.

LUKE: You're right. We need tarp.

LORELAI: Tarp.

LUKE: Plywood.

LORELAI: Plywood.

LUKE: Staple gun.

LORELAI: Staple gun.

LUKE: Rope.

LORELAI: You're not garroting TJ.

LUKE: Skip the rope.

LORELAI: No rope.

LUKE: I'm sorry.

LORELAI: It's not your fault.

LUKE: Eh, I'm dumb.

LORELAI: No, you're not.

LUKE: I'm going to kill him!

LORELAI: No, you're not!

[They walk up the steps into the house.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH
[The next morning. Lorelai comes out looking sleepy.]

LORELAI: TJ!

TJ: Lorelai! Hey. Am I glad to see you.

LORELAI: It's, like, seven a.m., TJ.

TJ: I know. The sun ain't even warm yet, and here we are, toting that barge. Mr. Taskmaster. [He points up at the roof.]

LORELAI: Who? Who has got you toting a barge?

TJ: Look. I need to explain my side in the whole "hole" thing here. It wasn't my fault.

LORELAI: It wasn't?

TJ: A guy says "okay", that means something to me. You know what I mean? It's not so complicated. Not like the TV Guide or nothing. It means "okay"!

LORELAI: It's really early, TJ.

TJ: Anyway, I just don't want you to be mad at me. We're gonna be related, you and me.

LORELAI: Well, I'm not mad at you, TJ.

LUKE [from the roof]: Hey, get away from her!

TJ: We're just talking!

LUKE: TJ, stop bothering her, and get up here!

TJ: You want me to bring up a couple more trash bags? I'm figuring we need some.

LUKE: Okay. Fine.

TJ: Now, is that okay in the sense that I know that word, or is that a Luke okay that can mean whatever you want it to mean?

LUKE: Just get up here!

TJ: He knew I was a self-starter. "Okay" to a self-starter is like glue to a horse. What else can you do but start galloping?

[He climbs the ladder. Lorelai backs up so she can see Luke on the roof.]

LORELAI: Hey, Luke?

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Are you aware of the time?

LUKE: I'm just trying to make it so you don't have to sleep on the couch for the next three months. If you want us to stop, we'll stop.

LORELAI: No, it's just - the sun ain't even warm yet.

TJ: Seven a.m. was Luke's idea. I'd have started at nine so as not to bother people. That's just one guy that thinks that okay means okay's opinion.

LUKE: Will you just keep working? [TJ goes.]

LORELAI: So maybe tomorrow, if you're still doing this, it could be eight? Ish? I mean, I love that you're doing it, but -
LUKE: Yeah, I needed to start early so I could get this done. Man!

LORELAI: Hey, what's with the 'tude?

LUKE: Nothing. It's just - You know you've got a Frisbee up here?

LORELAI: A what?

LUKE: A Frisbee just sitting up here! I mean, what are you thinking with that?

LORELAI: It's not my Frisbee.

LUKE: So it just walked up here on its own.

LORELAI: Luke! There is a lost Frisbee on the roof of every suburban home in America! No less a luminary than Garrison Keillor said that. It's not that big a deal.

LUKE: Every roof, huh? Well, that's a great use of plastic!

LORELAI: It's not my Frisbee! I've never played Frisbee! What the hell has gotten into you?

LUKE: I told Rory we were engaged.

LORELAI: What? How? Where?

LUKE: She came into the diner last night. It was awkward and stupid. I ended up telling her we were engaged!

LORELAI: Why! Why would you do that?

LUKE: Why? Because she had the face!

LORELAI: What face?

LUKE: The Rory face! You know the face.

LORELAI: Yes, but Luke, you have to ignore the Rory face!

LUKE: That's easy for you to say!

LORELAI: You shouldn't have told her!

LUKE: Yeah. You should have told her!

LORELAI: No! She's not being told anything. So neither of us should have told her.

LUKE: But if one of us isn't going to tell her more, then I'm the one that shouldn't!

LORELAI: Right! Meaning, not you! I should have told her.

LUKE: Then we're in full agreement. You should have told her.

LORELAI: No, that's not what I'm saying!

LUKE: But you said it and I agreed, so I win.

LORELAI: How do you win?

LUKE: Because I have the high ground. That gives me the upper hand on anything you got!

LORELAI [pleading]: Luke.

TJ [holding up a drill]: Something's wrong with this thing.

LUKE: There's nothing wrong with that thing! [He picks up the Frisbee.]

LORELAI: Luke! Rory started this. And right now we're not talking. Remember, tough love? I'm on a path here!

LUKE: She would have seen it in the paper eventually!

LORELAI: Seen what?

LUKE: Our engagement.

LORELAI: How would it have ended up in the paper?

LUKE: I don't know. She'd open up the paper to the back, there's these stupid pictures of a guy and a girl, Bill's a chiropractor, Nancy's a teacher, they met square dancing, and they're on their honeymoon in Florida, and they've got these smiles on their faces like their lives are going to work out the way they dreamt or something, suckers! Those things!

LORELAI: You played right into her hands. You can't do that! She can't just play on our emotions! She has to undo what she's done, get out of my parent's house, go back to school!

LUKE: Fine! Maybe I shouldn't have told her anything! Maybe I should have kicked her out, ignored her, whatever. But you've got to understand something. I'm in the middle! Yeah, she's your daughter, but I'm in the middle!

LORELAI: I know. You are in the middle.

LUKE: Good. Because you've been acting like you don't know! Like you're alone in this or something!

LORELAI: I know!

LUKE: And I know you don't want my opinion on this but you're both being dumb and you should be talking! There. I won't say anything more about any of this again, ever! [Lorelai is upset. Luke turns to TJ.] TJ, the screw's not going in right because you've got the drill on counter-clockwise. It's righty tighty, lefty loosey!

TJ: I got to remember that!

LUKE [aggravated, to Lorelai]: All right. I got to get back to work. We're going to be done with what we're doing here today. We won't be here tomorrow.

LORELAI [pleading]: Luke.

LUKE: We're okay.

LORELAI: Good.

[Luke tosses her the Frisbee. She catches it.]

LUKE: Nice catch.

[She smiles and holds it up. Luke goes back to TJ, who has successfully screwed the plywood up.]

TJ: Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Righty tighty!